wild ones
by seraffs
Summary: curious fools, trapped in the flumes. 8059 (also on tumblr under seraffs)


i was watching some cr1tikal videos and i realized I should write more 8059, so here we are. i actually wanted to post this yesterday but i was… searchin more vaporwave songs. (SHE PUSHED HER FEET ACROSS THE BOARDWALK)

tbh I have no idea what time this is? idk my man just? idk but this whole thing is based on my hc that all of the ppl _directly_ involved w/ the mafia has Italian blood within them? bc back in the day u had to be a full-blooded Italian to become a _Mafioso_ , but nowadays half-blooded Italians can be mafiosos and not an associate! (but if u rlly want to know the hierarchy of Italian mafia PLEASE message me I did a fuckton of research for a novel I was writing and for when I joined the khr fandom. PLEASE, I luv oversharing)

* * *

 _See_ , Gokudera isn't really anyone you'd want to be around.

He has a _nasty_ temper, perhaps nasty wouldn't even begin to describe it! He's often rash, especially when it's about people he cares about. He's smart but a bit arrogant, and once he has an opinion of you, it _never_ changes. He has a mountain of abandonment issues which lead to him having this hard-to-tear –down walls around him but once you take the time to destroy those walls he's built up for his own heart, his own safety- he's trustworthy and loyal that he'd rather risk his life saving you, than you actually dying.

Huh, perhaps you actually would want to be around Gokudera.

Anyways, _that's not the point_. The point is, that Gokudera, even if he's a _fucking_ genius or really fucking loyal to the point of death, he _can't_ enter the mafia world in its entirety. Even if he does, there's a little chance that he'd become a man of honor, a true Mafioso because of his _fucking_ bloodline. The most he'll become, depending on the boss, would be an associate. ( _Soldatos_ never really trusted half-breeds. The unspoken law of not letting half-breeds become mafiosos was demolished by The Commission but the Mafia world is old; no one would want to take the risk of trusting not of the family with something so heavy and it would not be quick to change its beliefs and values.)

Thus, when the young Vongola Decimo gave him a chance when no one else would, gave him something oh so _easy_ to break, and gave him something that _should_ be given to full-bloods and not half-bloods like him, _imagine_ Gokudera's surprise. Imagine his happiness, imagine the beating of his heart as he realized that _finally_ someone was willing to give him the chance to _prove himself_. The chance to stick his middle finger to the Mafia world, and shout expletives at it.

He was given trust, and Gokudera would not waste it. (How long has he waited for this moment? For someone to trust him with safety, for someone to give him the chance, for someone to see past his blood and finally be part of a family as a made man, as a man of honor.

Was it because the Decimo was also a half-blood like him? Gokudera knew that the Decimo— _Tsuna_ , was also a half-blood like Gokudera; perhaps Tsuna knew what he was going through. After all, it takes one to know one.

(At least, that's what he keeps telling himself. Desperately trying to see something more, _desperate_ to read in between the lines, desperate to not think that Tsuna only sees him as a pity case and just gave him this so he'd feel better and won't be a liability to the family.

Gokudera would rather _die_ and be driven off rather than be seen as another charity case.)

(Alas, this boy cannot see. _He_ cannot see how _amazing_ he is.

Even if he has found a home for himself, _even_ if everyone in this small town of Namimori accepts him, even if his new _family_ has accepted him, and even if he has made his first friend in _years_ , he still cannot see nor can he bear to accept.

He cannot bear to accept that _yes_ he can be trusted, that _yes_ he is _worth_ the trouble, that _yes_ he _will_ persevere and succeed, that _yes_ he will be a man of honor, that he can be straightened out, that he can be baptized, that _yes_ he will find the family that can accept him- _no_ , that he _has_ found the family that has accepted him. He still cannot bear the weight of acceptance nor the truth that has been set in front of him.

There is always this little, _tiny_ voice that always says, that _whispers_ to him at night and during the days that he has it particularly bad.

'You will never be a mafioso.')

* * *

Yamamoto has always been perceptive.

Hey! Don't laugh now!

Huh, perhaps it's better for you to laugh since no one really expects the 'airhead' to be the most observant out of the group. ( _Obviously_ , he's not as good as Reborn in noticing things, that baby was in another league of his own, but he'd say that he'd be better than most of the group. Even Gokudera! He's a bit fast to anger and to use his 'fireworks' and even if he's _super_ smart, there are just some things that you won't notice if you look too hard.

Don't tell Gokudera that Yamamoto said that about him, it'd be bombs galore for the baseball player and that wouldn't be really good for Yamamoto.)

Yamamoto always gets really confused when people discover that he's actually too perceptive of his own good. Whenever people act surprise when they find out, the pitcher doesn't know if he should be impressed or insulted.

After all, wasn't baseball also a mental sport? For a pitcher be able to remember what kind of ball the enemy batter loves to lure them into a false sense of security and what kind of ball the enemy dislikes to make them a bit impatient and swing a little too early and to hide what kind of ball you'll pitch next- isn't that mentally taxing in itself? And for a batter to be able to predict what kind of pitch the enemy pitcher will pitch next by thinking like the catcher and by basing on the statistics, and for the batter to see if the ball is a strike that can eliminate them from offense or if it's a ball which can give them the hint that the pitcher is a lousy pitcher and the advantage- would those activities not use the frontal lobe?

Honestly, Yamamoto should feel grateful because this means that he can hide his intentions very well, but when you get that same surprised face over _and_ over again—it just starts to feel insulting.

 _Well_ , yeah he's not _too_ focused on his academics because you don't really need History if you're playing baseball and Home EC? His father teaches him that plenty. Thinking about it, maybe he should focus a bit more on physics and math since those _might_ help him on his baseball.

(Eh? But should he really focus on his baseball right now? Seeing as he's playing a _dangerous_ mafia game right? Surely, Yamamoto's and his friends' safety is more important rather than a ball game in where all pressure is on him.

This mafia game might be dangerous, but at least _he knows_ people are backing him up. At least not all pressure is on him.)

Huh- I think we've stranded too far from the topic. Well, it's always like this whenever you're talking about Yamamoto. It seems that he can dance lightly on the topic on the topic you are talking about and redirect your attention on a new topic without you knowing or noticing at all. Perhaps, he is perfect Mafioso material. Too bad he doesn't have a lick of Italian blood in him—or does he? His mother- _who is_ his mother? Yamamoto never heard anything from his father about his mother. He can't also remember anything other than a flash of blonde hair, and bright yet deep blue eyes staring at him and telling him to _be strong_.

Perhaps—she was Yamamoto's link to the Italian mafia? He knows- or at least guessed- his father had a connection to the Yakuza, but he didn't know if he had something with the Italian mafia.

That's another mystery for another day; we have a _more_ pressing mystery at hand. (After all, why would Yamamoto care for a mother who left when he was only five years old?)

As said before, Yamamoto is perceptive. He knows when to act like an airhead, he knows when he should change dangerous topics to something safer, he knows when he should drop something right away, he _understands_ the basics of tricking someone, he knows when he should step in and act as a mediator and most of all he knows not to question Gokudera about his family insecurities even if it's _so_ painfully obvious if he looks straight in the eye of the guy. (Huh, if this whole mafia or if the whole baseball thing didn't work out perhaps he should consider a line of work in psychology.)

It's _not_ that he'd like to learn about the deep and dangerous and perhaps maybe seedy past of Gokudera, but he- he doesn't really want to. It's a _whole_ other ballpark of sadness and angst that Yamamoto isn't ready to touch. Maybe in the future?

Although when he sees Gokudera, posture stiffening and clenching his fists until crescents are on his palm and him shaking a little bit, receiving praise or watching other boys happily interacting with his family- it makes Yamamoto _want_ to just reassure him that _yes_ , it's okay to receive praise or it's okay to feel bitter and feel resentment over other people's happiness. He just wants the other to cry so Yamamoto can see his tear-streaked face and just—calm him down. Definitely in the future, if he can.

(Huh, is he—is he a bit sadistic? He should stop hanging out with Hibari.)

Yamamoto's super fucking excited to learn about the mystery that surrounds Hayato Gokudera. He wants to know the insides and the outsides of him in every way possible, he _wants_ to understand what makes Gokudera himself. All his ticks, his dream and his hopes. All his dislikes, nightmares and fears.

In a purely professional and platonic way, of course.

( _Alright_ , maybe not truly in a purely professional and platonic way.

Maybe a little homo right there.)

(Can you blame Yamamoto though? Have you _seen_ Gokudera?

A riddle wrap in an enigma and thrown into a box of paradox for a good measure. Personality so god damn explosive and wit that can make Yamamoto throw his head up and _laugh_ for weeks and oh god his _eyes_. Yamamoto's never seen anything so beautiful and so _so_ amazing and-

Holy shit. Yamamoto might not exactly be straight after all. What a nice surprise.)

* * *

 _Fuck_.

 _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

He _should_ not cry like a little baby anymore.

It's always the same routine whenever he sees someone that looks a bit like her. It could be anything that can trigger this, it could be just a flash of silver hair, or perhaps even a dress that looks like the ones she used to wear. He thought it wouldn't be a problem, it's never been a problem when they're- when they're- (- the smell of perfume that reminds him of home but also reminds him that there's no home— _there can't be a home for him anymore_ , the distant tune of piano keys, her harmonic voice as she teaches in a gentle voice ' _no_ , _not like that gokudera. It should sound something like-_ ', her laugh as gokudera frowned at the piano piece in front of him, the feel of piano keys beneath his fingertips—it's too—it's too—it's too suffocating. gokudera can't breathe, he can't taste the air, he can't feel his body, is it him or is the ground getting closer and closer—when did he fall down? _oh god oh god oh god_ , deep breathes deep breathes, remember what shamal taught him, deep breathes— _how can he fucking breathe when every time he inhales pure glass?_ )

Deep breathes. Deep breathes.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Exhale.

Inhale for seven seconds. Exhale for eleven seconds.

Calm down. Calm down.

 _You're not a child anymore._

You have people you can tru—

You can't—

 _How can you be a Mafioso if you keep breaking down over the simplest things?_

You can't— _You shouldn't_.

You have ways to calm yourself down. Use them.

Breathe, rock back and forth, breathe again (seven, eleven. seven, eleven. seven, eleven) try and get back to reality, breathe (seven, eleven. from the stomach not the chest). Touch your limbs, touch anything that's solid _and_ real. What's your name? What's your age? What's the month? What time is it? Where are you?

Don't—

don't mind the fear, nothing bad can happen to you, you're in a safe place right now—nothing can happen. you're safe you're safe you're safe you're safe you're—

a sound. a sound not from you. who- ? this can't— _you're in a safe place_ so-

 _who's there?_

* * *

"Hayato Gokudera. Fifteen. It's May right now. It's three in the afternoon. In a grassy field."

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

When Yamamoto said that he wanted to tackle on what makes Gokudera act like how he acts— _he_ \- he didn't mean he wants to do it now. As in— _right_ _now_.

(He- he can't handle anxiety attacks. He can't—it reminds him of his owns during the nights where the pressure just— _everyone_ has these kinds of thoughts? the thoughts that he won't ever be great, that he can't be of use to his baseball team? He can't—there's no-. It just, it reminds him of when his father used to pat him on his back and teach him breathing techniques to calm himself down.

 _Is Gokudera chanting something_? Would it be- is it also something that can cope with dissociation?)

Gokudera's head snaps up as he heard Yamamoto step closer to his friend. ( _Oh shit_ , no good his eyes are viewing Yamamoto as a threat—no that's not good. He can't— _he should've_ —no don't think about the ifs, do what you can do.)

"I'm-" Yamamoto blurts out, losing confidence. _Oh god, he's_ not fit for a situation like this _holy shit_ he may have researched a bit about his mental self but he can't-. He takes a deep breath. "I'm – I'm going to go to approach you now, okay? Is that alright, Gokudera?" Yamamoto tells him in the calmest and the most soothing voice possible. (his father also sometimes does this to yamamoto during his particularly bad episodes, so he may have picked up a couple of things from him.)

No response from Gokudera. He seems to have returned to his previous state of having his head on his knees. Well, it seems he can throw the idea of approaching him to help him calm down.

"Well, then- I'll sit over here, okay?" Yamamoto asks, and when Gokudera lifts his head, he takes that as an acknowledgement and Yamamoto sits on where he stood. Perhaps he should count? Perhaps- he should-? What should he do? Call his father? Perhaps, but that might worsen Gokudera's condition and his father might be too busy with the shop. Yamamoto knows he should wait it out but- he just- he doesn't want to feel so useless. (Don't be selfish and thoughtless Yamamoto, it may feel like forever to you but it feels even more than that to Gokudera. You know about this, you've been through this before many times that's why you have the-)

 _Medication_.

"Gokudera? Do you have any medication for this or-?" Yamamoto nervously asks Gokudera. Yamamoto knows it's not the first time the other guy went through this seeing his coping methods, so there's a chance he might have the medication.

A shake of the head.

"Oh." Yamamoto bites his lips. He'd offer Gokudera his but it might do more harm than good. "Then, maybe- can you raise your hand for me?"

Gokudera is still trembling but raises a hand.

"Good job, good job." Yamamoto smiles at him trying to be reassuring. "Now can you bring that hand down for me?"

His hand goes down.

"Good. Good." Yamamoto grins at him now, "Maybe you can repeat that? It's- you know good so you can focus. Sometimes, I do it so maybe it can help you?"

Ten minutes pass with Gokudera repeating the exercise over and over again, and his breathing returns to normal. Yamamoto grins happily when he hears Gokudera's shallow breathes turn into something more consistent.

"Can I approach you now?"

Gokudera stares at him critically, and his eyes are almost looks like a glare (but Yamamoto watches him too much – _is that weird?_ – for him to know that it's not really a patented Gokudera Glare). He frowns and Yamamoto's sitting on the ground frozen with anticipation.

Then. "Do whatever you like."

Yamamoto grins brightly and crawls to him quickly. He'd want to exchange coping tricks, and if the other would want to talk about his problems to Yamamoto, that'd be a plus.)

(" _Hey hey!_ Don't come too close!"

"Eh? But I'd only would want to talk to you! You know, talk about your deepest feelings and the such-"

"You're _not_ my god damn shrink."

"I'm your friend though, right?"

"…"

"Well, if you want- we can exchange coping techniques? I mean- so it'll be easier the next time you have an attack."

"…"

"…"

"Thanks."

"!")

* * *

Well-

Yamamoto and Gokudera are closer than ever. Reborn might not be one for young love and love within the mafia, but- he can't exactly complain since the two of them are in a symbiosis. Helping each other and perhaps, their insecurities would be lessened by this new relationship they have. (Hopefully, Gokudera would finally gain some confidence and _finally_ realize that Vongola isn't any other old famiglias which cannot adapt and perhaps Yamamoto can finally be free of the locked memories of his mother.)

Ah-

Young love.

It reminds him of his childhood.

("Renato, _please_ leave."

"You can't- you can't expect that of me Sir. You're _dying_ "

"I want- I want- I don't want you to see me bleed to death. It'd be bad for a mafia boss, right? Besides, I'm an old for mafia standards, and you're still young—you'll find someone else."

"But-"

" _Leave_. Before they find you.")

* * *

weak ending, ain't it? i'm a shitty writer not a titty writer. eh, anyways please leave a review if you enjoyed it or not. i'll try and respond if you're not on anon.


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